Peaches and Spiny Chameleons - Did I leave the branding iron on?

Ah... At last the rains have returned... And if you listen carefully you can hear the sewers sing songs of sand and salty water. (Just like Barry Manilow!) Slowly thinning sheets of ice make a satisfying crack! when you step on them. It's spring (or something close to it, anyway). In place of the old dirty snow we have...well... mud. Mud everywhere. Mud all over the place. Mud covering everything like a bad toupee on a hastily shaved reindeer.

The most important thing of course is that the snow is melting. And with that, Boynton Street becomes a little less harrowing to drive down. In the infinite wisdom of the Worcester single-pass plows, Boynton Street has become a one - lane - game - of - chicken - with - oncoming - traffic - and - shiney - expensive - guardrails - with - break - away - side - mirrors (O. L. G. O. C. W. O. T. A. S. E. G. W. B. A. S. M.). And although this may sound like fun, it isn't. Our advice: use a friend's car. No, wait. That's not so good either. (Think! Think! Great Goddess Willow, give us guidance!) ohmmmmm... Got it! How about making it more like a sporting event, because "sports" aren't dangerous. Just as long as there is no "X" in the name, we'll be nice and safe...

And to make it more exciting, but still not "dangerous," we can include some additional obstacles. An obstacle is a nice, safe sounding word, like "cow," and "baby," and "terror-chicken." But what to use for an obstacle? It must be something clever, and easily obtainable (remember there is an embargo on importing Class G tactical devices into Worcester), but not too mundane or we'll lose funding.

Of course! Milk crates! The staple of dorm room decor! Why not put them randomly in the road to spice up the game? Of course, their presence would have to seem like an accident; we can't turn this legitimate sport into a sham by revealing the inner workings. But where would we get some milk crates? They usually have scary warnings on them about them being illegal to have, or steal, or stand on... Now that we think of it, there are some on Boynton Street already! We think someone's car is dropping them out of the trunk when they pull out of their parking space or something. Just use those, and be sure to stack them nicely on the sidewalk when you're done with them so we don't block those much needed parking spaces. In fact, we can use those saw horses we see out there sometimes for goals! Like my Grandma used to say, "You can't make an omelette without a bowl full of bread."

Laurel would like to take an intermission in this article to thank whomever submitted the "I love you Laurel!" Tech News Valentine. If it wasn't meant for the two other Laurels at WPI (Who Hoo! People named Laurel!), and you are a single girl type person, send him e-mail and he'll send you an extra special "Philler Certificate."

Okay, explain this one. Inside the Gordon Library elevator, next to the buttons is a little unlabeled switch. Interestingly enough, the elevator only works when the switch is in the "off" position. Unlike most major appliances (because unlike a blender, an elevator is just a big appliance that you can get into and play with from the inside, but without cool button names like "liquefy," "extra puree," and "torture"), when you set the elevator to the "on" position, it *doesn't* work. Why would this be so? What is this switch? Is this the "backup emergency monkey-powered brake" switch? Or perhaps the technicians who installed the elevator are playing some sort of etymological joke. Perhaps they were amateur philosophers, and figured that while you're in the library, you might as well consider the nature of being. Or perhaps it's just broken.

So anyhow... Spring... Are we there yet?

Send your thoughts, observations, and questions to us at philler@philler.com...