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Charlie Sheen and Bean Paste - Anybody know what happened to the cat?

by Laurel and Guinevere

As you can no doubt tell from this week's title, we're both pretty shaken up about the recent stock market fluctuations. Good thing we decided to hold off on that Philler IPO. That could have been disastrous. Of course, we probably wouldn't be with the Technology stocks, so scratch NASDAQ's problems. Then again, we're not really Blue Chip material either. Perhaps we could make our own index. Yeah, but it would have to be something snappy, something that rolls off the tongue; a common word that's easy to say, and yet has many layers of meaning... Something like "S. N. I. T. Z. E. L. B. (E. R. G. E. N. H.) E. I. B. E. (R.) Averages." Yeah, that's perfect. Clear, concise, and very, very meaningful. Of course, for those of you who haven't figured it out already, it stands for "stuff-nobody-in-their-zany-ethereal-lamentable-brains-(even-really-good-engineers-near-Hackensack)-ever-imagined-buying-electronically-(really)." Geez, as if that weren't completely obvious.

So anyway. Even though our stock has yet to be traded publicly, we're still quite excited about our new "products." And, although our core line of bacon stretchers and Heisenberg Compensators are selling well, the t-shirt and mug sales are coming along nicely, too. Thanks for supporting the team!

Once again, we turn to our friend, Mathew M. Lug, who writes:

Here's an interesting observation for you: My first article appeared in Newspeak two issues after Philler was officially retired the first time. My last article appeared 8 pages before the most recent return of Philler. The only Philler article between these two events was in the spring of 1997, when I was no longer listed in the staff box due to extreme inactivity (a condition that Philler suffered from prior to that article). Is there a connection here? Am I somehow connected to Philler in such a way that our two entities cannot coexist, unless separated by a special Campus Center Edition? Did my letter in the April 23, 1996 Philler create this link? Or is this all one big "coincidence" that I should just ignore ... think nothing of it, go on with your life, repeat to yourself "Philler is not controlling me." "Philler does not tell me what to write." "Philler and I share no unnatural bond." "Remember to buy bread tomorrow..."

Yes, Mathew. You are absolutely correct. No doubt about it. You definitely need bread (sorry we ate the last few slices). However, there is a darker side - and your theories are only the tip of the iceberg lettuce. You must stop any and all inquiries into this topic otherwise we will no longer be able to protect you, your family, your friends, pets, others (significant and insignificant), and your third grade science teacher - that is, if it's not already too late...

And now another reader, Robert-Sean Patrick Harley, asks the question many of you no doubt have been losing sleep over:

umm, isn't the back of the forehead, underneath the skin? how exactly are you supposed to know if you have a rash there?

Well Mr. R. S. P. H., the answer is quite simple, really. If one is to fully understand oneself, and thereby understand the universe, one must be completely open to all possibilities. The first is this: never get involved in a land war in Asia. But the second is: rashes on the back of your forehead are a real bummer. *Very* hard to scratch. If you ask the Universe, it will tell you: Don't get a rash on the back of your forehead. The Universe is smart. But that wasn't your question, now, was it? Well, philosophy is that way sometimes. Non-philosophical people will tell you that sometimes, you just "know."

Exactly five years ago in honor of St. Valentine's Day, we published a little poem called "Untitled [A Terrible Love Song Involving DAKA]" (read it, you'll like it.) Many things have changed since that time. DAKA changed its name, Gwen's getting married this summer, and Laurel... well, Laurel is still fighting the urge to put a blatant plug for a date in his article. Gwen counters with the "Send" button and e-mails this article to the newspaper before it can be edited...

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